I Don't Wanna be a Playa No More

As of lately, it seems like the summer is when people put their love lives into perspective. I've been single for a little over 3 years now, and it's been the longest I've ever been detached from the "relationship scene" (since the ripe ole age of 15). The past three years have been filled with so many emotions and lack there of, if that's possible.  Prior to my release from pre-matrimony, I was in a 12 year battle of love. That war took it out of me, and like so many warriors before me I've seen the trenches and patched up what felt like gaping wholes in my soul.


The gore I saw in that battle left me a changed woman; it took a piece of me when I threw up the white flag. Since then I've felt free and trapped, warm and cold, brave and scared (maybe a little terrified). I spent the first 2 years of my freedom closed off with the people I dated. No one was worth my time, much-less my heart. I didn't want any attachments, no one feeling like they could own me, and I felt empowered by this. But, from time to time you realize (well I did), where is my Adam, where is my mate. You can't help but get a little impatient. If you believe in what happened in the Garden of Eden, you believe we're meant to have a companion, and it took me 2 years to discover it again for myself. It was as if I woke up from a dream. I told myself to stop being afraid, stop being cold, stop hurting and never quit. My awakening showed me that I was hiding out of fear and frustration. I was cold selfish and thoughtless, things that are so out of character for me. I realize I had changed, not for the better, but for the worse and out of fear, it's cowardess.

I watch my friends who seemed so ridiculous and crazy for love and passion, take chance after chance after chance with their hearts; it seemed so ridiculous to me. Oneday, I realized they are the brave ones. While they leap into these opportunities for love and adventure (whether good or bad is irrelevant), I was frozen. Not progressing, holding myself back. I was being a "scardy-cat", playing the sidelines, refusing to "leap".

Finally, I'm tired of feeling desensitized  to emotions and dealings of the heart. I'm ready to feel again, love again, cry again and most of all leap again.


I think :)